Learning to write beautiful third-person prose without overusing pronouns
When reading over my own writing, I often find a lot of sentences starting with “she”, a name or “her”. I know I shouldn’t use the name too much, so I replace it with pronouns. The result is less than perfect prose that is repetitive and does not sign.
In this post I’ll gather all the techniques I’ll be able to find and test them on an excerpt of my current novel “A Tale of Fate and Fury”:
Eira’s left eye twitched. She needed to calm down. She would not accept refusal.
“Your destiny is to die if you stay. They don’t care.” She balled her fists. “Where are all the others? Where did they go? Miriam, Vilma. Why does no one ever return? I tell you where they are,” she seethed. “They are dead.” She didn’t know that, but at that moment, she believed it to be true.
Her eyes fixed on an empty bed. Malena, the only other girl with hair color the same as hers, hadn’t survived the trial. She swallowed.
“I don’t believe it.” Anni was shaking her head. “I won’t run. If my fate is to die, so be it.” She gripped Eira’s hand. “But you must go.”
Start with the Action or Setting
Lead with verbs or environmental details before bringing in the subject which will pull the reader into the sensory experience rather than focusing on the pronoun.
Initial sentences:
She would not accept refusal.
Rewrite:
Accepting refusal was not an option.
Anchor Sentences in the Body or Senses
Describe the character’s body parts, sensations, or perceptions acting on their own:
Initial sentences:
She gripped Eira’s hand.
Rewrite:
Gripping Eira’s hand, she continued.
Use Deep POV to Blur Distance
Write as though the narrator is inside her head, filtering everything through her perception.
Initial sentences:
She swallowed.
Rewrite:
A swallow scraped down her dry throat.
Vary Sentence Structure and Length
Mix short and long sentences. Play with rhythm.
Initial sentences:
Eira’s left eye twitched. She needed to calm down.
Rewrite:
Eira’s left eye twitched as she tried to calm down.
Use Metaphor and Symbol to Replace Action
Instead of repeating what “she” does, compare or transform it with poetic language.
Initial sentences:
She balled her fists.
Rewrite:
The room around her narrowed.
After rewrite my passage looks like this:
Eira’s left eye twitched as she tried to calm down. Accepting refusal was not an option.
“Your destiny is to die if you stay. They don’t care.” The room around her narrowed. “Where are all the others? Where did they go? Miriam, Vilma. Why does no one ever return? I tell you where they are,” she seethed. “They are dead.” At that moment, she believed it to be true.
Her eyes fixed on an empty bed. Malena, the only other girl with hair color the same as hers, hadn’t survived the trial. A swallow scraped down her dry throat.
“I don’t believe it.” Anni was shaking her head. “I won’t run. If my fate is to die, so be it. But you must go.”
There’s still 10 pronouns, but they are much less repetitive. The goal is not to get rid of all pronounce, but reduce overuse.
There is no fixed “optimal” number of pronouns in writing, but there is an optimal balance depending on:
- Narrative distance (deep POV vs. omniscient)
- Pacing
- Scene emotionality
- Sentence structure variation
General Guidelines for Pronoun Usage in third person limited
| Metric | Ideal Range |
|---|---|
| Per paragraph | 2–4 pronouns max (preferably not all starting sentences) |
| Per page (250–300 words) | ~15–25 is common and natural |
| Back-to-back use | Avoid more than 2–3 sentences starting with “She/He” in a row |
Signs that you’re using too many pronouns:
- Sentences repeatedly start with “She did… She saw… She thought…”
- Paragraphs feel robotic or overly simplistic.
- Action feels distant or clinical, even in high-tension scenes.
- The reader becomes overly aware of the narrative mechanics.
Tip: Highlight every “she,” “her,” “he,” “his” on a page of your writing. If nearly every sentence starts with one, revise.
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